Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
