And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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