i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
How's work?
Spinning.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
