why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Oh god it's open bar.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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