Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
