@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
