You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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