My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
