the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just found puke in my bra..
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
