I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
