listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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