Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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