True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
