I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
