I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
