omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
