I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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