My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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