I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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