so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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