I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
