dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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