Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize