i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
