Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
