I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
