After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
