I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize