Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
