just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize