it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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