In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
