remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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