Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
