So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
