I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
