my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
