Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
