He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
