You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There's always time for handjobs
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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