She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize