This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
