A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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