Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I need to align my fucking chakras
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