Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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