Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Even my vagina gasped.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
