I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
this boner is exhausting
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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