i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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