Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
