u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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