can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
