i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
is wine microwaveable?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
