I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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