This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
