For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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