Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
