piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
