I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
