Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There's always time for handjobs
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
