I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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