Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
