Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
