I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
