Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
