I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
