11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
