two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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