Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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