New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
