please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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