weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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