matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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