we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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